What's it mean when you wake up nauseous in the morning? I'm not pregnant, so that's not it. I think I'm not getting enough sleep. I guess that's probably because saturday night was spent playing warcraft3 until the light was seeping in the windows.

Uplate: Last night I just couldn't sleep (big suprise there, I didn't wake up till 2:00pm on sunday), so I spent it reading the new wired, cover to cover. They've changed some things around in there, and I'm not convinced yet that it's for the best.

I have the capacity to do nothing but whine and complain. Where did this come from? Laura said the other day she think she's rubbing off on me, and that's what it is. Earlier this week I just thought I was depressed... I have another theory: MY JOB IS SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE.

But then again, maybe I'm just being a drama queen.

Update: On a related note, along with this general life-dissatisfaction, I have also lost all interest in science, arts, and politics. In general, anything not directly and immediately effecting my being. For instance, when I get a new magazine in the mail, I try and spend at least an hour pouring over it, when I get the chance. This week, I have a new wired in my backpack, and it's sat there, unread, for several days now.

Update to my update: I never had any interest in politics. To have suggested I did was a lie.

boy, my archives were all f'd up when I looked today... I'd just like to take this moment to complain some more about blogger.

In other news, I've got this mum song stuck in my head, so I'm ordering the album from ebay. (Thanks a lot victory shag.) I also found out they're going to be here next wed, so I'm going to try and catch that.

Now I've got a parade to get to.

*tap tap*

Is this thing on?

Last night I wasn't able to publish.

On monday I got a call at work from a stranger. Stranger still, that person was from Drive 105, and they gave me a pair of tickets to see Moby tonight at the Roy Wilkins in St. Paul. Needless to say, that's where I'm headed.

Today, the entire city is a black-lagoon. I am merely one scaly creature, slithering my way down Interstate 394. The sky is some kind of oppressive black curtain that doesn't quite touch the white fuzzy line of the horizon.

But somehow this has only served to brighten my spirits. Either that, or the pendulum of my manic-depression has swooshed onto the manic end of the spectrum--and I'm just at the mercy of various self-created brain-altering chemicals tinting this ugly day a brighter shade of pleasant...

Either way, it's a good day, but still too early.

I got a parking ticket this morning.
My eyes are sticky-rice and Tabasco sauce.
Things are moving in slow-mo.

Broken English is only one reminder
that we are a diverse and interesting populous.

I have no original thoughts.
I am crushed in a swamp
of self-deprecating desolation.

There is a car door open in my head with that annoying *ping* sound repeating indefinitely.

Suddenly I feel like some kind of imposter walking into work today. I don't belong here, obviously, but at home too--Laura cleaned and the entire apartment is foreign. It was (and still is) one of those "how did I get here?" moments. What the hell am I doing here?

Excuse me, all my neurons are not firing today.

I'm burping pad-thai.

I'm printing emails again. Saw MIIB last night for free. It was ok.

Small sentences are good.

Funny quotes.

Found this over at Yami's blog, but apparently there may be a nuclear reactor at the center of the earth. Damn that's crazy. I wonder how many different ways there are possible to exploit that as a weapon?

Got a new victory shag today. (I still haven't searched for blogging-shag-watchers. I'm going to start a shaggers anonymous or something--I swear!) My own fantasies are like ripe plums, juicy and ready to spoil. The fact that I told a friend about my possible fantasy-come-true and haven't heard from her since has me sort of eyeing my email with rather silly regularity this morning.

I have too much to do at work, and a weekend with far too much planned. There is a parade this evening that I'm planning on being in, and a parade on sunday I'm planning on watching. Tomorrow promises to be busy as well.

How's that for a pathetic post.

I recently linked Cat and Girl from my Black and White Web site. I haven't spent enough time lately working on my own websites. I'm thinking I'll try and get some stuff done this weekend, like a redesign for B&W, (which it has needed for quite some time) and maybe those links on this here blog, yeah.

well, I'm back from vacation. (A few days wasn't nearly long enough.) I walked out to the bridge over our slimey little river, and it's about two feet higher than normal. A coworker and I saw some of the big fishies, and talked about how dust in your house is 70% dead skin. Next time I turn on the TV I'm going to call it the dead-skin-collector.

Lately I have been absolutely plagued by pop songs stuck in my head. Some times it's worse than others. Right now I have this abysmal song chanting up there like some kind of mantra. "Watch it spin arround till a beautiful oblivion..."

I just took a shower. Today was particularly satisfying. I'm not saying why. I want to tell laura why, but she's not awake. I got an email today, and one of life's particularly elusive fantasies has a chance of actually coming true. That's all I'm going to say. You can email me if you want more details.

For some reason, in the shower, the title of one of those dumb bedside philosophy books just popped into my head. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Well, duh. But I was thinking about the times lately that laura has been angry with me for not telling her something I consider really small stuff. She just wants to know everything, and I don't blame her. It occurs to me that as much as it's all small stuff, it's all big stuff too--and while I'm busy "not sweating it", someone else may be busy drowning in the stuff. That's why the title of the book, (and the whole philosophy) is fucking bogus. My small stuff may be helping little children die in South Africa.

On the other hand, it's particularly satisfying to feel removed from things. To step back from reality and pretend it's pretty much all unimportant in the long run. It's not, but maybe--just for awhile--it's ok if it is.

Today I am printing html emails. Yes. Printing.

I am a web production artist.

nuff said.

still no new victory shag. Either he's waiting till Anna gets back in town, or his life is boring, or he's been run down in the streets by women who just want a piece... I feel like one of those people who watch all the soap operas, and talk about the characters all the time like they're real people. I wonder if there are other bloggers out there who post about his "exploits". Maybe I'll do some searching.

I'm taking a few vacation days. Tomorrow, monday and tuesday. So if there's less posting, it's because I'm at home relaxing, or maybe somewhere else partying.

The sci-fi author Jim Munroe's most recent novel contains various instances of product placement. He decided to send invoices to the companies he wrote about, and even followed up with some pretty damn hilarious "past due" letters. Here's a couple of my favorite quotes:

"Let me clarify things for you, Steve. I am a science fiction author. This means I invent the future. SF writers wrote about rocketships - we got them. Cell phones - ta da. Tricorders from Star Trek are basically Palm Pilots. "

"Maybe your accounting department is in the same country as many of your
clothing factories, and this accounts for the delay."

I'm going to have to pick up one of his novels for sure.

On an unrelated note, dobbs (author of victoryshag--where's the latest post?) and I have been discussing the nature of blogs vs real-tv. I just now decided in my last post that I think blogs deserve a new literary classification: Non-narrative non-fiction. (perhaps only new to me, I have no idea).

As for my narrative--tonight I get to go see the Flying Karamazov Brothers at the Guthrie!

I've got that new(ish) Elvis costello song stuck in my head, except it sounds like this:

Tear off your own thread!
Tear off your own thread!
It's a blog revolution!!

I don't know how that happened. I woke up with it.

I have nothing to say, and I am saying it.

I guess I am desperate for content. (I'm working on getting those links up, but I think I may have to re-design for them to work--they're pushing my right nav-bar out, which makes things look funny with this jurry-rigged template.)

Anyway, here is another conversation ser and I had on friday:

  trophy-boy: how style-sheet-saavy are you?
  databl1p: pretty up "with it" if you know what I'm saying.
  databl1p: shoot..
  trophy-boy: =o
  trophy-boy: apart from just removing text decorations completely, how does one change the "underline" part of a text style?
  trophy-boy: is there a text-decoration-color tag?
  databl1p: interesting... I'm not sure.
  trophy-boy: dot dot dot
  trophy-boy: you are no longer my hero
  databl1p: hold your fucking horses.
  trophy-boy: NOW NOW NOW
  databl1p: the only thing I can think of is giving the paragraph a style with a bottom border ... and you can specify the color of that border..
  trophy-boy: kk you are once again my hero
  trophy-boy: you can put the trophy back on your mantle.
  databl1p: my "mantle"?
  databl1p: your "trophy"?
  trophy-boy: your fireplace mantle thingie
  databl1p: my "fire" place?
  trophy-boy: yes
  trophy-boy: where you put your fire
  databl1p: where it's "hot"!
  trophy-boy: yes, the sun rarely shines there, too.
  databl1p: IN HELL!!!!
  trophy-boy: and you should get the cause of the fire looked at
  databl1p: do you mean the burning sensation, because that didn't happen until you put your "trophy" on my "mantle".
  trophy-boy: well there is definitely not a problem with my trophy, if that's what you're suggesting
  trophy-boy: maybe you've been putting too many trophies on your mantle recently
  databl1p: Maybe your trophy has been on a few too many mantles!!!
  trophy-boy: ridiculous. i always am careful about what mantles my trophy is on
  trophy-boy: it's not like i run around town putting my trophy on mantles
  databl1p: but do you generally use a doily?
  trophy-boy: i'm not into stuffed animals

Last night, while working on the code for Laura's impending blog, I heard an obnoxious girl out the window. She was clinging to a boyfriend, posing for a very flustered looking camera man who urged them to stand still for 15 seconds. I assume he needed that to get the right exposure. Today's VictoryShag was haunting. This guy has got to be a writer of some kind. I meant to emulate at least somewhat his post, but I've failed. I'm too in a hurry with this mortgage paperwork I need to get signed by my dad, and taking a "long" lunch.

I have really nothing to do at work anyway. Maybe I'll write more when I get back.

This is how productive my afternoon has been: http://www.rooney.us/funny/triumph/

Yesterday I took my lunch in the conference room, and taught a coworker to juggle. (Another one bites the dust--she's leaving in a week or two.) Those who have paid attention know that I work in a pretty office-oriented cultureless-pit. We were fairly successful at sneaking away, and nobody interrupted us but a couple people who already know what was going on. She learned quick, and last night I called up a friend who works at air traffic, and got her some juggling balls. I don't know why I'm telling this story here, other than to show my bountiful generosity...

People at work have started making fun of me for having so much food on my desk. It used to be candy, but now it's food. It probably doesn't help that I usually leave my lunch on my desk after getting it from the fridge (if I remember to put it in the fridge in the first place). Edible items on my desk right now (which do not include lunch):
• Panda Black Licorice
• Honey Wheat Wheatables
• Cheez-its (the big box was on sale!)
• Sun-sweet Tropical Mix (dried fruit)

Notice: The licorice is the only candy! I'm trying to cut back. I've also gone vegetarian. I don't remember if I've mentioned that here already.

Today's victory shag was not especially interesting. Reminiscing about a failed relationship in the form of a letter. I can't help but think that if I'd written an email like that to an x (and actually, I've written plenty), I'd immediately feel like a big sucker, and if I hadn't sent it right away, I probably wouldn't.

It's easy to understand how he feels though. I feel that way every time I read through old emails of past relationships, which I like to do with a frequency I'd rather not admit to.

This is bizarre--I feel I have stumbled upon something big, or rather something mysterious. Mystery always makes things seem bigger than they really are. This is akin, actually, to when I discovered the websites created for the release of the movie AI. They were elaborate, and large... and mysterious.

Basically, I have discovered my first blog that is not a blog: Victoryshag.com. It's a mailing list really. You have to sign up for it, but then you get a couple of back issues (mine were not particularly striking--but in hindsight, did give some background information) and then the daily email. I guess they are often love letters. But this one was a bizarre description of a strange proposition four women had made to the author of this blog that is not a blog. The four women all want to sleep-with/date the author. How crazy is that? How does a man (Dobbs, if you would believe the "From" in his headers) create such desire? I guess I'll find out...

Somewhere in the process, (it may be on his website, I can't remember,) the author claims that there are hundreds of people signed up for this thing, and that only 12 have unsubscribed.. ever. I am obviously intrigued, or I wouldn't be writing all this. I don't think I would be as curious if the letters/emails were presented by themselves, but to make things a bit more interesting (interactive!) the author appends a link to the end of each email.. back to his site for corroborating evidence. Today's batch of links contained JennyJuice.com which I have even seen before, and enjoyed, (as I recall), and who is part of the plot in some way.

Question for further thought: How are blogs like real-tv? And are they appealing in the same way?

on a related note (to the post below):
http://www.geekissues.org/quotes/?top

on ICQ this morning, after a friendy insult to one of my neighborhood everquest addicts:

eq_addict - fucker
eq_addict - i will cut you
databl1p - you are SO intimidating.
databl1p - bring it!
eq_addict - bitch, you don't want me to get out my Sebilite Croaking Dirk (10/18, +4ac +4str +4sv poison +4sv disease, +4sv magic)!
databl1p - jesus man! no, I was only kidding. You know I never would have insulted someone with one of those!
eq_addict - that's right
databl1p - oh wait, look what I've got here, a Yosemite Sam Scimitar (20/20, +5ip, +8ssh +9dvd +15polution +25penis-size)!!!
databl1p - I think it's time to say once again.. bring it!
eq_addict - *yawn* without a good haste item, i'd easily outdamage you. you can't even dual wield, mofo!
databl1p - *HASTE* (I've got a powerup now mother-fucker!)
eq_addict - the haste power-up is just movement speed, not attack speed
eq_addict - haha n00b u r so pwnd, la~
databl1p - Ahh, but what you don't know, is that I am not left handed!
eq_addict - databl1p writhes in a grip of agony!
eq_addict - You have slain databl1p!
databl1p - I guess your schwartz was bigger than mine.
eq_addict - no, i just have Deathtouch on a 72 minute timer
databl1p - is that an egg-timer, or one of those old alarm clocks with the bells on top?

I was talking with someone the other day (Neil, from unicycling) about these bicycles he saw with roll bars that go from in front of the front wheel to behind the back wheel of the bicycle, allowing the rider to stop, and roll forward--essentially doing a somersault with their bicycle. I think that would be awesome to try (once I got over the initial fear). I was looking for some info online about this, but I haven't found anything yet. (surfing for bicycle links is crazy. there's SO much stuff out there.)

On a semi-related note, I saw this link over at Yami's blog which has become quite the happening place in the last few days, I might add. I shoulda got in on this whole "guest blogger" thing, but then I might not have found all these great deals on ebay this last weekend, so maybe that's ok.

I was thinking last night--just before bed, as I was too lazy to write it down--about the act of creating art. I'm using the broadest definition of art possible here, whether it's poetry, photography, ceramics, dance, music, juggling... The differences between them all are negligible for this thought process. Basically all arts are skills. You get better at them the more you do. Yet there is a definite point when the artist first begins to practice the skill, where they possess what might appear to be a heightened level of creativity due to their inexperience in the field. In fact, many artists spend their entire careers trying to re-create that initial playfulness or creativity.

So then there are two factors that make a good artist--I would argue--"skill" or the practice of the art, and "creativity" or uniqueness of the art. A very skilled artist is almost always easy to admire, (depending on the art, I suppose, since high skill in some fields is imperceptible to the outside observer) but for most arts, someone who is talented is easy to spot. Yet this alone doesn't make them a master in their field. Examples of this are everywhere, from that really good cover band, to the painter who cranks out portrait after picture-perfect-portrait of nature scenes--and not good ones. I think you probably know what I'm talking about.

I think most fields talk about these ideas in their own semantics. And I'm not pretending to be an expert on any of this stuff. Last night I was just asking myself what I didn't like about this recent performance by one of my favorite jugglers (who is also a good friend of mine), and I realized that in this piece--and a few others I've seen--creativity is carrying the bulk of the load, and there was really no skill involved. (And believe me, there is plenty to tap!)

As an artist myself, in my poetry, I often leave out the skill portion of what I'm doing as an exercise. In fact, I was going to say I don't generally share the results of this labor, but then I realized that right there in my right hand navigation is probably the most frequent example of this--my mindblurbs. Thoughts without reason. Poetry without skill. A creative exercise I try to do at least once a day (and end up doing three times a week or so). But there they are, for everyone to see. I'm a hypocrite again, and I was feeling so smug, so superior. I was thinking to myself, he should never have performed that piece in public. Maybe it was necessary for his creative growth, but he should never have performed it. And if performance is to juggling as publishing is to poetry, I'm just as guilty if not more so. Where are my good poems? Where are my works of skill and creativity? Obviously not here.

I'm going to go hang my head in shame now. (or go to the bookstore, 'cause that's what I planned to do this afternoon anyway.)

it feels good to back up files and delete them. Like a good rainstorm.

Things are still fucked up here at work, and there is no development environment. I don't want to work on a live site, at least not without some kind of safeguard... I really should be doing the work I have to do offline, and then just upload, but DNS is hosed on that particular site anyway, so they won't even know things are fixed. (and I have to do _every_ page, so it's going to be tedious to say the least--maybe I'm just procrastinating.)

I've stumbled onto some really not-so-interesting blogs today. I also discovered The Sex Project which I may contribute to... but nobody really wants to see erotic male photos... (except other guys, but that's another story.) I'm not sure what the the reason for this is, I mean, it's a gross generalization, but I think there is some truth to the idea that men are far more visually stimulated or stimulatable than women are.

I think maybe I'll add links to other blogs on my site... I haven't consciously decided not to do so, I'm just not sure what the best method would be. This whole blogspot thing leaves me feeling a bit too not-in-control.. if that makes any sense. I think it's the templating system that's offputting, and I wonder how the templates work for Movable Type.

I have lots to do, and I'm doing it.

Link of the day: sacrilegious dildos.

If I have learned anything in this universe (in the last 24 hours), I have learned these things:

• It's good to understand how your php script works before you complain about weird "caching" issues and/or go about fucking things up in said script.
• Other people write better poems than you. (whoever you are)
• Business is business--that means it will always be run by stupid people.
• Some tricks are really really hard. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to learn them anyway, and in fact, makes it more fun to sort of half-learn them, because you can celebrate "almost-getting-it" that many more times.
• Old friends may call at any moment.
• If a game is released on a particular day, and you call a store that is open 24 hours at 11:45pm the night before, that game is not guaranteed to be in stock at that particular store until 10am. Especially if the store is Wal-Mart, and the game is Bomberman Generations, for the Gamecube.

Sometimes, I think unix is like magic. Playing with configuration files and .rc files has to be one of the most fun things I've done at my job. It's especially fun to "source" your .tcshrc file and watch the magical changes happen! I'm sure this kind of thing would get old if it were something I had to do more than even once a week, but for now, I'm content changing my prompt on occasion... just for kicks!

This is similar to the way I feel about programming in general. I'd like to do more of it. I probably wouldn't even mind being assigned more of it, but right now--because I do it so little--I'm like a kid in a candy store playing with php...that is, until the big awful server caches your script in some naughty bad way, and you can't see your changes. Then I get frustrated, and want to kick the server. But my terminal doesn't allow for physical bludgeoning, so I take a deep breath... and wait. Maybe the comments will look better... someday.

My archives are totally fucked up, and I have no idea what's happening. I think it really is time to start using movable type or something. This is rediculous. Every time I go to the "archive template" area on blogger, I get a "page cannot be displayed" error.

I don't know what it is about monday mornings, possibly just that I never get enough sleep, but damn I'm tired, and I haven't been able to focus on much of anything yet. Plus, it's fucking cold outside (and rainy, which normally I would enjoy) and inside, where you would expect the temperature to at least reflect some amount of warmth, the AC is on! Are we fucking popsicles that we need refrigeration?

I feel like crying myself to sleep.

I am almost disappointed that the new moby album is good. I had kinda planned on not getting it, because I don't really like that song they're playing on the radio.

one thing I really hate: when a weekend feels like work. Tasks for this weekend: get groceries, wash clothes. OK, that's not that long a list, but Laura has about 20 things that she would like to tack onto it, plus, there are another 20 "fun" things we have scheduled (party tonight, unicycling and museum this afternoon...) I just feel crowded for time.

Here's a poem I wrote a few days ago... this is 2.0, and much more coherent.

=====

"Give us today our daily commute." -the faint

On the freeway swimming upstream toward work
morning after morning Hiroshima on 394
little pollution gas light on
velvet mufler--divine spedometer
nursing my clutch
addicted to airbag
humming to the radio
like some dashboard freekshow
safety-cracks in my sanity.

=====

the world is my crash-test-dummy. w00t.

If you check this site, and all the images are gone, you can blame my ISP, whose services have gone steadily downhill since the split.

I could spend all day reading blogs. seriously. all FUCKING day.

Yesterday I had this completely impromptu blog-writer-get-together. Of course, I didn't even think of it that way until we started talking about blogs... I was just getting together to hang out with meghan, and she had apparently talked with mopsa earlier in the day about going to this (turned out to be fairly awful) variety show at the BLB. (Incidentally, I happen to know the person who designed and built the current BLB website, and wouldn't it be funny if mopsa and/or any other readers also knew that person!)

Anyway, we skipped out on the show after the second bad poet, and ended up (after briefly loosing each other) at pizza luce. (whose site I won't link, because it sucks ass). The topic of blogs only came up briefly, and mostly in the middle of one of mopsa's many anecdotes, but when it did, it felt rather odd to be actually talking about something that had, until that moment, been purely electronic. Behind the screens, so to speak.

I have talked a bit with Laura about my blog, but other than that, any times I've mentioned it I'm usually giving someone the URL. I have been, once or twice, surprised by someone mentioning something they read on the blog, but otherwise, blogging and reality have scarcely met at all. Blog, meet reality. Reality, meet blog.

I've had this experience before--in reverse--when I first got into webpages and stuff, I met this girl who lived in Iowa. We met at a con. She and I ended up having a (mostly) electronic relationship, but have met (with mixed results) in reality a few times since. Every time it's that same weird disconnect. We're not the same people online as we are in reality. I mean, we're the same, but we're not.

If I were being particularly philosophical, I would wonder which I'd rather be, but then I'd have to draw boundaries. (Are video games online/electronic reality, or reality reality? This gets especially blurry when you start to consider my recent ebay addiction.)

I used to be very into thinking about these kinds of issues. I read "life on the screen", "Hamlet on the Holodeck" and "Interface Culture" over 3 years ago! (Which now seems like an eternity.) I actually have a smallish collection of these investigations of the "new" electronic frontier at home, but it's been a long time since I felt they were pertinent. I guess there is another reason I don't tend to buy them anymore as well--seems like most of the new ones are all about money and/or power. Products of the failed .com era, I guess. I don't find them nearly as interesting, although some of the newer ones (about why it failed) are on my list... I find the personal narratives the most interesting, I think. Somewhere, under my facade of indifference, I'm a people person--an electronic-people person.

OK, I know, I know, I don't watch tv or read much in the way of news, but how come I've never heard of Hammacher Schlemmer before? I guess maybe they're just another specialty store, and it's not like I'm into those...

(Do a search for bicycle, and you'll find a bunch of jems, including a new one that turns into a unicycle!)

Tuesday. I've suffered the revelation that my life is a blur of the same old stuff. Stuff I enjoy, some of it--juggling, video games, movies--but stuff I really could care less about too--work, driving, eating, sleeping...

Some people really enjoy sleep. I find it cumbersome. I don't like it, most of the time. It's one of those things I have to force myself to do if I want to get enough of it, and I hate not getting enough of it probably worse than I hate doing it. They say our bodies do important things while we're aslep, and that's fine. I just wish I weren't so busy that sleep felt like an intrusion.

All that having been said, I didn't get enough last night, and I want to go back to it. ;)

This is one of those days where I feel like I'm walking around with blinders on. I can only see the thing immediately in front of me. I've never been good at multitasking, but today it's even worse. I get sidetracked by thinking about chocolate. I get to a logical stopping point in a project, and I stop, but not for any reason, just because I'm there. It takes me a few seconds to realize, yes, I have more work to do.

My brain is frazzled and stupid. This is not that unusual.

I have huge news. Last night I went to look at a house right off of LynLake. It was awesome, and we made a bid on it. I went to my mom's place, to juggle with Travis & AJ, and then went home to watch The Others with Nate. By the time I got home, Nate had already heard our bid was accepted! The house looks a little something like this:



I have so much work to do it's comming out my ears. So I'm getting back to that. blah!

I'm having "issues" with blogspot again. Page not found errors... And bitstream is falling apart at the seams... I have my email one minute, and the next it's all fucked up. Fortunately, they've got some really talented people down there, and I'm sure they're doing the best they can...

Today at work was this all-gage company meeting... we played "games" which were mostly trivia about the various parts of the company. It's actually a pretty amazing thing, when you think about Gage marketing as a whole--merely in terms of the volume and sheer diversity of work that comes through this building. Unfortunately, working in one of these cubes, on my stupid little projects, doesn't leave me feeling part of anything big or important. The opposite is more frequently the case, (if it wasn't already obvious.) I usually feel so separate from this whole thing. I want to get out. Run. Become a hermit.

I am not a drone. I am not a drone. I am not a drone.

*sigh*

I've caught the ebay bug. It's funny how I've used ebay in the past without getting addicted. I think I was always looking for something in particular, but that's how this started too... it was just something in particular that I didn't (strictly speaking) need, so maybe that's the difference. Video games are plentiful in the land of online auctions, and I've found a few pretty good deals. My SNES/N64 game-organizer should be arriving in the mail any day now. I'm pretty excited about that one. And I bought Kirby 64 because Laura likes playing Kirby when we play Super Smash Bros.. But last night I found myself staring at the screen long after I'd already checked my current auctions, surfing for everything, anything, something--things I don't even really want... but have maybe thought about buying in the past. I think maybe it's got to stop... maybe.

the audition on sat. went well. We all kinda tightened up and didn't talk nearly as much as we should have. That's the kind of thing only practice well alleviate, I think.

Work sucks, as usual. I'm debating the merits of working a night security shift somewhere. If I can make $15/hr, I'll be excited about the prospect. I just don't want to actually do anything. I'll bring a laptop and books.

The house purchasing has to happen first, since financing depends on my job. We'll see if I can hold out for a couple of months. We looked at about 8 houses this weekend, and weren't really excited about any of them. Slim pickings right now, I guess.

well, I've been ignoring this here blog for almost a week now. Chaos has ensued in nearly all aspects of my life. Work is... well, work. There has been quite a bit of blame-slinging lately, and I feel like I'm in preschool here.

The big news is that I'm trying to put together an "act" for the renaissance festival this summer. My brother and sister will be in it, along with good friends AJ and Travis, who I have known for awhile in a juggling context.

We've been getting together almost every day this week, despite (or maybe partly fostered by) the fact that I've been calling in sick, and sleeping till noonish every day. I really have been sick, although if I'd have known how sick--and how much work I'd miss--I probably wouldn't have taken monday off.

Not that I've missed working... I wish I lived in another country, where I could work 30 hours/week. I wish that were more socially acceptable here. If I could get away with it, I'd do it at the job I'm at now. I wonder if they'd let me... they'd probably make me hourly or something.

blogs are truly fascinating.

I was at first disappointed to find out that Keep Trying (a blog I've been meaning to, but haven't visited in awhile) was no longer posting meta-comments about blogging. Then I read a bit of it, and--DAMN--it's all about the situation in Jerusalem and world politics. It's hard for me to remember that there are really horrifying things happening in the world around us. The worst part of my day is the agony of realizing my productivity level is at an all time low. I can't work, I can't seem to think. My brain is a puddle of disorganized thoughts melting into one another--sometimes something relevant will surface, but it's completely by accident.

And then this slap in the face. We're not all born with the freedom to post about our shitty jobs on the Internet.

today is 5-8. that is ostensibly my height. the universe throws coincidences like quarks.

poem

elephants never forget--it has something
to do with their ears, or trunks, or something--
and I suppose, I wish
--photographically--
I had some of the same grey stuff
reminding me of all the things I've already forgotten
before I forget them--
or write them into a poem.

can elephants even write poems?

the eloquent elephant
(on the pleasant pheasant's day off)
jumped over the quick brown fox.

outside, a storm cloud brims
with memories of its own.
soon a cerebral dam will break
and the sky will forget
into the lightening rods of local churches,
tops of banks
and skyscrapers.

there are so many things slinging electrons around--
who is to say the sky doesn't rain down thoughts
too dense and wet to understand?

OK, so I was listening to Yami's playlist from home yesterday, and fell in love with this song, "adding up numbers", which is (I found out this morning) by Kompressor, this weird muppets-meets-industrial band.

So... at the bottom of their homepage, there's a link to this article they were mentioned in from Spin magazine... I highly recommend reading it, it's got a bunch of links, and is pretty awesome.

From there... I got to http://songfight.com/, which is this weird songwriting competition site. Some really good stuff on there. If I were a songwriter, I can't imagine a better way to hone my skills. So now I've been listening to old songfight songs. Good stuff.

I wanna know who thought of http://songfight.com/. It's such an awesome idea.

I broke down over the weekend, and bought a gamecube. Dropped $400 I don't have on three (additional) controllers, a (required but not included) memory card, three games, and the system itself.

Super Smash Bros is AWESOME.

now I'm working at home because the network is screwed up at work, and DAMN if I don't just want to be playing it.

Today I'm starting on yet another project for Microsoft. I feel a bit like the son of Satan. I wish I could at least get x-box games for cheap. I have a friend whose brother apparently works for a company making ports of microsoft games, and he gets x-box games for $10. I might actually buy one if I had the hookup like that.

I have been very tempted by the modded panasonic gamecube that can be found at http://www.lik-sang.com/. They have all kinds of awesome products, actually. $500 is a bit pricey, but it'd be worth it if I were collecting DVDs or something.

Today I've got swat-team brain stem-cells.

Read a bit of the new Discover mag today. Did you know they think turtles may not age at all... ever? They die of accidents, viruses, and predators, but seemingly do not age. This explains why we still have teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles, as opposed to disgruntled 20-something-ninja-turtles working salaried day jobs and hating every minute of it.

I think it may be time for me to take a vacation. I need to talk with SOMEONE who knows how much vacation time I have, and when I get more... It used to be contingent on my anniversary with the company, which is actually coming up fairly soon here, and I've got a week to burn. On the other hand, maybe it's not anymore, and I've got to figure that out.

Today is one of those days that just rolls off you. I've already forgotten everything I've done today, and I feel very busy while having accomplished very little.

The impending house-purchase is going steadily. I'm excited about the prospect of living with Laura now. It'll be fun to sleep in her bed all the time instead of mine... and yet the video games and computers that make me feel secure will still be there, just waiting for me to wake up, comforting me with their presence.

well, Laura's car has a flat, so I gave her a ride, and I'm into work at the unbelievably-early hour of 8AM. How do people fucking do this? There were three of us here when I first arrived, and now the population of the office has doubled. I feel like some kind of lab rat. Plus, I should be wearing a sweater, my office is FUCKING COLD.

Oh yeah, everyone wish Yami a happy birthday. w00t!

Friday I'm in love has to be one of the best songs known to man. It may even be my favorite cure song, although it's got stiff competition, especially in that remix of close to me on the "mixed up" album.

I got up early for work today, so I can leave early and drive down to chicago for the Stevenson's Toss Up juggling festival. I'm pretty excited, because I hear they have a great space, and there will be lots of people. Plus, I have this new weirdo haircut that I want to show off.

I have had many comments on the new haircut this morning... I've had two people say it looks like I'm wearing some kind of helmet, (including a very blurry-eyed Laura this morning), but my favorite was from Alex, (a designer here at work) who said it looks "evil".

Greg Bear's latest novel, Vitals, was a very well written pile of steaming shit.

I was extremely disappointed in this novel. X-files syndrome galore. No plot tie-ups, no ending really to speak of, this thing sucked ass. It was far too possible and plausible and yet stupidly, inanely, without conclusion, without coherence. Maybe I should explain a bit. I hate half-cocked science fiction. It's a fine line really, but one that I think bares flushing-out (pardon my pun).

I love certain kinds of surrealist writing. And I (obviously) love science fiction. But there is an area where they should never meet. If you're writing what is obviously intended to be swallowed as a "hard science" science fiction novel, damnit, you better fucking have it all make sense at the end!

Don't get me wrong. This novel was written well. It's internally consistent. I'm not going to be looking for holes in the logic any time soon. What bugs me is that, at the end of the novel, we still don't know who dun it. In fact, we're scratching our heads as to who are the "who" candidates.

The first half, and yes, admittedly, toward the end, the narrative was compelling as hell. I kept turning the pages--completely unsuspecting--and after the climax, I raised my eyebrows... a timeline. A mother-fucking time line right there at the end of the book. I kept reading, waiting for a punch line. It never dropped, the other shoe is still out there floating in space.

One of two things is at fault here: pretentious writing, or lazy writing. Greg Bear could have really nailed it with this novel if you ask me, but he fucked it up good.

I've decided I don't use enough fucking descriptive terms in my god-damned blog.

I guess there's nothing for it but to celebrate the robots, robots who are "idealized post-modern savages".

=====
Ode to Fighting Robots

silver-fist, babelfish
low-to-the-ground--vaccumed to the wall--
full of flame-throwers and bandsaws...

spin like flin, an angry din
axes and sharp sticks.
Robots making robot toothpicks.

Majesty of microcircuitry.
Radio-controlled Andy Warhol waltzing on tripwire
white iron and ornery LED conspire

Still life in electro-strife--
an onlooker's geek rush and tussle
breed of new athlete's mind-muscle

dissatisfaction, stirs within
our saucer-shaped metal-killing-coaster.
If circuitry got sympathy, it would have been a toaster.
=====

God it's horrible. I'm like some kind of abomination.

Mondays are a bitch. Especially mondays that follow fairly satisfying vacations where you visit your girlfriend's sister, and find out how much cheaper housing is in the middle of nowhere, and finish your book, and start another really excelent book by Greg Bear, and watch that new cohen brothers movie, and go see a nice museum, and dance on the heads of needles wearing winged sandals and halos and togas all the while singing about lolipops and choochoo trains...

Yeah, so I guess that last didn't happen. But mondays are still a bitch.

I got a lot done today. Read slashdot, theonion, played some Cannons with Chris. It's funny, I really did get a lot done today. And I'm still working! My computer is upgrading itself... (mac osx software update RULES!) The onion and slashdot both had interesting articles. Plus, the onion links to a hello kitty dildo, which I may have to buy as a gag gift for someone, because... damn that's funny.

I'm getting excited to be on the road. In less than an hour, Laura and I will be on our way to Kansas. Yes, it's only Kansas, but it'll still be fun. My only real concern is that I won't get to play nearly enough video games while I'm gone. I probably won't have a ps2 at all! Plus, lately, I've been getting pretty into the copy of Summoner that I picked up for $10. It's not as bad a game as it first appears, and the graphics do get better as you play--although they're still nowhere near what a PS2 game should be capable of.

I'm also looking forward to hopefully finishing my book while we're on the road. Since laura can't read while she's in a car, I'm hoping I can make her do most of the driving.

Today has been surreal. I think it may be carryover from last night, when I watched the second half of Mulholland Drive. I rarely stop watching a movie and start it again, but for some reason this one wasn't grabbing me the first time. Hell, it didn't really grab me the second time either, but it left me thinking "I must have missed something.

So I turned to the internet, and found a really great article on Salon that explains the entire thing. Strangely, after understanding more of the nature of the film, it was far more haunting. I think I had dreams about some of the various aspects of the film. (unfortunately, my dreams did not incorporate the lesbian sex scenes.)

I guess I woke up somewhere in the middle of the night and told laura she was making too much noise. I don't remember this, but she decided to leave. I feel pretty bad about it, and will try to make up for it by staying at her place tonight.

I got a message from my illustrious friend Peter. His life rivals most novels in terms of plot points, and excitement. I'm always jealous of the kinds of things he gets to do. This week it was some kind of inline-skate-theater-event. I'll have to write back and tell him about my rollerblade Cyotes. (The rollerblades with 6" wheels.)

The drive to work today felt more like swimming through traffic. I was probably still far too tired to be driving, but I don't feel tired. Just surreal. To keep with the water theme, I keep thinking stuff on my monitor is just floating there... like it's some kind of fishbowl.

how come it takes me so long to read a book now? I realize that I'm maybe halfway through the book I'm reading, and I posted on the 25th of last month that I started it. yuck that's slow!

Another former co-worker has started a blog! This time it's nancy, who used to be president of our company. She registered watressdreams.com a while back, and has just now gotten around to putting some stuff there.

I'm eating Teddy Grahams, and for some reason, my fingers are not content to pick just one at a time out of the box. Yet, my mouth seems only able to accept one at a time. I am constantly picking them up off my desk and lap. I must look like a total slob.

This weekend is a trip to Kansas City to visit a couple of Laura's sisters. Supposedly they have DSL, so maybe I'll even get to update my blog. Not that anyone reads this thing. ;)

How's this for a nice weekend:

Friday, I went and looked at houses again. Saw a couple that might actually be worth living in, but neither that we were so exciting that we'd have to buy RIGHT THEN. Straight from looking at houses to a bachelor party for a friend of mine from juggling. We played 8 player Halo on 2 X-boxes, one hooked to a big screen tv, and the other to a projection monitor type thing. The entire wall was Halo. Awesome shit. We stayed up far too late considering the next morning....

we woke up at 6:30 to go play paintball. Got there around 7:30, started playing at 8:00, played till noon. $75, but it was fun as hell. I have bruises but not as many as some of the guys (you can imagine how the groom got pummelled, as it was his party.) But in general, I didn't do nearly as well as I'd done playing halo.

After that, home to shower, then straight out to my friend Derik's to a lan party. My computer has been flakey at best lately, so I borrowed one of his "spares". It kicked ass!!! OMG. We played some maps by this guy Lake Trout. Everyone who showed up was awesome, and we played some kick ass 7 on 7 capture the flag. I even got the high score on one of the games!

Sunday, I woke up around noon, finished my taxes, fell back asleep, woke up at 3pm, did laundry with laura, mailed my taxes, and went to a movie party where we watched Mystery Train.

All in all, it was a good weekend. I need another one to recover.

wow, I'm a blog slacker. This week has been hell, working on a new site for Symantec. (TM) I'm getting fucking sick of working on yellow sites. Three out of the last four large sites I've worked on have been yellow. What's up with that?

Today is pretty yellow.

I once started a manuscript of poetry I was calling Yellow. At least, I think that's what I was calling it. You can see all the books I actually finished here: http://www.livingtech.net/oldpoems/.

My friend Meghan just started a blog, and has been showing me up by consistently writing interesting stuff... She had a headache this morning similar to mine. She told me not to publish her link cause the site isn't done yet, but I think it's good enough. I won't add it to my links till her "friends" page contains something other than "asd'fkjsadfj;laskf;jl"

My friend Jason has registered a domain name, and thinks he's going to be a porn barron.

It wouldn't be so bad if he just wanted me to appear on the site, it'd be almost flattering even. But he has to mention the fact that he finds my brothers attractive. *shudder*

There really aught to be a law.

songs recently aquired from Gnutella:

Otis Redding: I can't get no Satisfaction
Devo: I can't get no Satisfaction
Ben Folds Five: Brick (Acoustic)
Superdrag: Who sucked out the Feeling
Tattle Tale: Glass Vase Cello Case

The last is from the movie "But I'm a Cheerleader". The soundtrack was apparently never released, but if you look hard enough, there has been some clammor for it. I'm hoping to download the entire Tattle Tale album, because it's rare, (or at least hard to find). The song is awesome, and I've put it on repeat. (Otis Redding is awesome too.)

What's up? My roomate and I (flatmate heh.) are looking for a house. I'm not at all certain of my financial future, but I figure, if I'm pumping money into something to the tune of half my paycheck (right now it's like a fourth, but if I were to buy a house, it'd be like half), it might as well be something saleable in the future.

What else? There are a couple of short articles in the new issue of wired about blogs. It's crazy really, people thinking this will take over for traditional news. Who exactly (of those blogging) has time to do anywhere near the amount of research traditional print magazines put into their articles--for a blog? I'm not saying nobody does, but certainly not me, and certainly not in the numbers that would be needed to take away from traditional news-venue readership.

Anyway, the "wanna bet" thing bugged me. Nisenholtz just sounded like we're going to have more opinion columns in Time Digital, which would (in my opinion) be abysmal. Blogs, for me, are not a news source. Unless you count "finding cool new interenet sites" a newsworthy item--which I do, but which many people would not. Anyway, for me they're more like reading a non-fiction book or something. It's fascinating how much poetry we can find in people's everyday lives.

UPDATE: Mozilla seems to have some issue today with refreshing the bottom blogger frame. I had to resort to Exploder to post this entry.

On my screen I can count over eight visible places I could be entering text. Watch the blinking cursor. Keep track of window order. onFocus. onClick. onLoad. onLook. onSweat. onWrite.

________________
Depth of frame.

render template
upchuck doctype
crosseyed browser compatibility
nslookup dictionary.com
________________


I haven't been paying attention to this whole blog thing this week. And why haven't I been able to find a decent archive of April Fools day site modifications. Everyone does it... change their site just for april 1. I particularly liked GameFAQ branding themselves GameFaX, and covering only X-box titles. I should have looked for more of them, but didn't even think of it until today because I was too busy playing Dynasty Warriors3 in a snowstorm.

Amelie may very well be the best movie I've ever seen. I want to see it again--soon. I was amazed by this film over and over again. The poetry was exhilarating, and the cinematography extraordinary. I don't know what else to say.

Oh yeah, I meant to post this pic of me in my new office earlier this week, but I forgot:

you too can be a Cyberlovah.

things I want to get this weekend:

a get-well card for my grandmother, who slipped and fell, breaking a finger or other bone in her hand...

an oil change for my poor neglected car.

easter candy on sale at target.

A shaver for my scalp. (also, probably, from target)

I know there was more, but I can't remember. Today is another boring addition to my existence in Plymouth, MN. I'm considering writing a novel while at work. I could just write a sentence or two in between every menial task I perform, and I'm sure a few weeks later I'd have hundreds of pages.

Henry's Diary is one of the coolest things I've ever read. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age.

Last night Laura and I found Ocean's Eleven on DVD (the old one) at Target, so we bought it for Jason, then watched it. It was ok. nothing too special, but certainly not bad. Jason lied though--both Sammy Davis Jr. and Dean Martin sing in it.

I'm trying to decide if I should go to unicycling tonight, even though laura probably isn't going to go, and I'm suppoise to hang out with Travis. (he wanted to go, but he's not home...)

OK, now he's home, and we're going to go.

a week in this hell-of-an-office.

an email list that was formerly limmited pretty much to porn and dirty jokes has now been the main avenue for discussion of this news. None of us even have real details on this thing, but we all have opinions!

Chris--one of my favorite coworkers--has posted several cries for peace, including the full lyrics to "you are my sunshine"... Isn't internet debate great!?!

I got an email from alex, who is in Japan. Apparently he's taken it over. I wouldn't schedule any vacations for there in the near future.

Tonight I'm suppose to see the original "Ocean's Eleven" with Jason, who is thinks my preference of color movies over B&W is a crime of some sort.

that's all the news that's fit to blog. Or rather, all of it I'm bored enough to type...

we are sweet nothings

sealed in our boxes of humanity
taped up and mixed, melted together
you never know what you're going to get
a live one or dead one,
happy or sad.

we can be the whispered kind too
a word on the morning breeze
a meaning left to be imagined
our lives are like this
implied on a lover's lips.

I've already spent a large chunk of my time at work today logging my hours for the last two weeks. We're suppose to log hours daily, but I'm far too busy to spend an extra five to ten minutes a day trying to figure out what I've been doing all day. I was just thinking, what if I had to do this with my weekend?

• 12 hours playing Tetris Worlds
  
• 17 hours sleeping (not including last night)
  
• 3 hours having sex
  
• 3 hours unicycling on friday
  
• 3 hours playing Tetrisphere
  
• 2 hours doing internet research on Tetris variations, and Neil Voss, who did the soundtrack for Tetrisphere and The New Tetris (both for N64)
  
• 2 or 3 hours reading my new book, The Eyre Affair
  
• 1 hr compiling and then packing my laundry to go to the laundrymat
  
• 1 hr driving to/from laura's place on the way to the laundrymat
  
• 1/2 hr spent in line to get my oil changed at Valvoline (and leaving because it looked like another 1/2 hr would pass before I got in!

there's at least two hours unaccounted for. I'm not sure where those went. Maybe staring off into space. Maybe eating? Probably eating.

ode to my moronity

alas! the long island
slithering snake of a drink
sweet potato I
sip and gulp guiltily
she is a camera shudder
eyes closed, lips pucker'd
*urp*

ok, I skipped a day, but it's day four now. Yesterday we had lunch from this tiny hole-in-the-wall chinese place in the strip mall by my work. I have a window now, which is a big improvement over straits at the warehouse, but it overlooks the aforementioned strip mall, so it's not terribly exciting. I'm off now to go pick up my copy of tetris worlds from funcoland. W00T.

second day in the new office. I don't mind it so much right now, but I do feel a bit like an outsider. I'm trying to get over my drunken crush on a co-worker, and it's not helping that I have to work fairly closely with her for the next couple of weeks. (I got seriously plastered last friday and found out she has either had a crush on me, or just thought I was attractive--I'm not sure which--anyway, I was hitting on her pretty badly, and I think she's since reversed her opinion.)

I have been buying CDs like crazy this last week. I picked up a copy of Ben Fold's latest, which I think is fabulous. But before that there were like six that I found used and should have been in my collection already.

Right now I'm listening to Etienne Daho, who is a sort of french pop star. It's pretty good stuff.. The album is called Corps & Arms. I have another of his as well, but I'm spacing on the name. A co-worker hooked me up with these.

It's the first day out in the new offices. We're located in Plymouth now, no longer the sweet and sexy downtown warehouse district suite. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.

Actually, things aren't all that bad. Despite the florescent(sp?) lights, the carpeting doesn't slow up the rollers on our chairs that much, and I've got a new PC to play with. Here's a nice little anecdote. When I first logged into my new (windows 2000) machine, it told me my password had expired, and gave me a nice little dialog box to change it. Then, I found, amazingly, that I didn't have permissions to change my own password! How is that even possible? You can have passwords, you yourself are not allowed to change? Crazy.

I haven't done any work yet though. I'm saving that for later.

Well, I have a new business idea. I'm not sure what the reaction is going to be amongst bloggers, but I'm hoping it'll be a positive one. I've registered www.googlebombsquad.com. I stole the idea from this article:http://www.corante.com/microcontent/articles/googlebombs.shtml

I'm hoping it'll take off, and I'll have at least a few hundred sign ups (once I start promoting it, of course). I'm going to start the programming this weekend, but I want to get a FAQ and some other pages up before that happens (perhaps a preliminary signup form too...) Anyway, it's no worse than having one of those blogsnob links on your site, and hey, you may get paid! (of course, there is the moral dillema of altering the sacred google--selling out, etc.)

The Register finally has a US version, although I'm not really sure if there's a difference, as the article I've linked appears on both.

Also, speaking of love... isn't Jesus all about love? (Needless to say, I really like the folks over at BBspot.)

woah, looks like love transcends all boundaries. When is a book going to be written about all the internet/networking marriages?

ok, a few comments, since I'm up at 8:00AM to update a client's site... which is, i have to say, complete bullshit.

Somehow, after more than 9 months living in bachelor-pad heaven, the insects have finally caught on. For some reason, there is now a cricket in my room. The damn thing is faster and smarter than me, and I'll never catch it.

Also, my room-mate, whome none of you were probably aware was out of town, is now back. I awoke this morning to find my room a frozen arctic again, since appartently the heat was far too great when he (I should say they, since his g/f is with him) got home at whatever time last night. Now, there's an underlying issue here. The thermostat is only in the living room. Yet my room is BY FAR the coldest room in the appartment. We do not pay for heat. Nate and his g/f can open a fucking window. My room does not need to be twenty degrees.

Finally, there is a new Mozilla build out. Get it!

christy asked if this is like a diary. I guess.

I worked from home today, and had to use that shit-program ICQ. After about twenty minutes I was fed up, so I went searching for a nice clone. Not only does Trillian take its name from Douglas Adams, but it's a great ICQ, yahoo messenger, AIM client. It supports a couple of others too, including IRC, but I haven't tried that. I would say it's even a tad better than Fire, which I use at work.

last night laura and I finished reading High Fidelity. I checked amazon and bestbuy.com, and it was just as cheap at my local blockbuster, so we're going to watch it tonight. I'm all excited cause it's so great.

I'm currently reading Permutation City, by Greg Egan. It's awesome. Some of the best narative around the premise of mind uploading that I've ever read. The link is a great site for information, although I think I dissagree with some of the premises in the "Handy Neuroscience Facts" page. It's getting added to my transhumanism links.

here's my link for the day: Looks like someone had a nasty run-in with those sneeze fetishists. There is also a great (read: irreverent) jesus comic linked from the root. Very funny stuff.

I've got Kylie Minogue (Can't get you out of my head) stuck in my head. A co-worker made me watch the video, and DAMN.

I have no links for today. Mondays are good-for-nothing. I'm waiting for my software update (osx improves itself!) before I get myself off to juggling.

I think nate's girlfriend thinks I hate her. What's more, I'm not discouraging her. Today she actually appologized for calling. I said "OK, bye." and hung up. It was in the space after you say "no, he's not home right now," when a sane person would usually say "could you tell him..." or "just have him call me back then." or "I'll call back later, thanks." I'm probably not one to talk. Here's my social life: juggling in a gym full of nearly-strangers.

ok, so I've always kinda thought people who post their search engine results referrals are a little weird, but now I TOTALY see the attraction.

I come up first on google for the term sexsweat.

oh yeah baby. Plus, at some point I misspelled cocaine "cocane", and if you search for "how to make crack cocane" (without the quotes) I come up first. It's a funny misspelling, because--even though I know I'm a poor speller--I do know how to spell cocaine. I also show up when you search for "excitement machine" and strangely enough, blog + newbie does it too.

today's link, a site full of flash games... they're awesome: http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/

I went to see a sneak preview of 40 days and 40 nights tonight, it's a romantic comedy about this guy who is still in love with his x-girlfriend, and decides to go without sex for forty days and forty nights. It would have been a good date movie, but I went to see it with my roomate. At least he bought me dinner before hand. (Two-cheeseburger meal at McDonalds, with orange soda. I know you care.)

We wanted to try and remember to look up the female lead, Shannyn Sossamon, who is HOT. I wanted to know what else she's been in, and Nate remembered a Knight's Tale, but I thought she'd been something else. I guess not.

So, it's movie night, cause now we're going to watch Kiss of the Dragon.

today's link is this amazing music video I stumbled into: http://www.tobyslater.com/consumption/

My roommate just tried to start his own blog, and got it all set up and stuff, then proceeded to write for twenty minutes. (or maybe more like 45) His session had expired (since when does blogger use session timeouts?) and he lost all of what he had just written. (Which was probably quite a bit after 45 minutes--and judging from his bitching afterwards.) Needless to say he was pissed. I told him how I've made it routine to copy text out of the main text field if I've worked on an email or an update for more than 20 seconds. I do this even in Eudora, but especially in any sort of webmail. When Eudora crashes on me at work it's always frustrating as hell. (I only use it for my work mail because I can sort the emails into project folders so easily.)

I originally set down to write about how shitty I'm feeling. I just got back from reading a book to Laura, who stayed home from work today, and is misserable, and sick. I read more to her from High Fidelity. It's not that I feel terribly sick, although I do feel as though I'm starting to get a headache, but I think just being around her--so misserable, so weak and helpless seeming--caused some sympathy gene to kick into overdrive, and I'm having sympathy headaches, and sympathy dizziness.

I got an email today from John, my younger brother, who is in the next few days going to be starting on a three month walk. He is in California right now, I'm not sure where, (I think San Fran--which I'd always thought, until looking at a map just now, to be south of LA--I am so dumb.) He's going to walk at the very least to Portland, and if they get ambitious, to Seatle. He's walking with three other people, and I can't imagine it really. When I think about that kind of freedom, that kind of carelessness, I feel constrained by my job, by my debts, by my possesions... it's a fantastic idea, really, and he's doing it.

I finished A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius yesterday, and it was good. I felt thrown for a loop. It was as if the whole book was a discussion about the idea of self-obsession from this guy who is terribly self-obsessed, ridiculously so, and he's not even trying to hide the fact that it's all a joke in poor taste. Fabulous. Someday I'll have such a great idea, and I'll write it, and I'll be famous. Just wait.

Matt Wilson lent me the book originally, and I meant to give it back to him today. He is in a new band with this guy he used to play with who is now in Semisonic. They're called The Flops, and I just have to mention the site, because Matt is putting so much into it, it's really turning out great. He's writing all the copy, and it's just chalk full of this crazy stuff. I hope he doesn't get mad at me for mentioning it. I know they're already getting signups and stuff, so it's not like it's some big secret. I dig the car--nuff said.

link of the day http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/britney_breasts.asp

This last weekend was MONDO, the local juggling fest. It was probably the best mondo ever, and I learned a ton of stuff, got a new set of props (zuni's--poi) and otherwise enjoyed the hell out of the weekend.

Last night I took a shower, and finally unlocked the last character in DW3. I was up far too late doing it, but it was great. More playing tonight, if all goes well. Laura is sick, and I want to visit her, but I already have plans for group PS2... so... I hope she doesn't hate me for not making her ckicken noodle soup.

I got an email from a once aformentioned old friend (peter) today. He says I "LIED" before when I mentioned him. I guess it's only been a couple of months since he wrote last, not six. Sorry peter.

Back to the grind (for a half hour) before I head off.

morning is dismal. Outside raindrops on little stretchers are being carted to raindrop-morgues, dead before they hit the street. I woke up to the annoyingly perpetual dawn-hue from my window, sunlight filtered through cloud-layer after sadistic cloud-layer.

now I'm trying to psych myself up for going to work. This is much like ten minutes ago (showers are short now...) when I was trying to get myself up out of bed... thinking the door is so close, it's not that far, and taking a shower isn't so bad for at least five, maybe ten minutes--felt more like an eternity in that half-awake, almost-dreaming state just before the snooze kicks off, and my alarm continues its auditory barrage.

I can't decide what kind of art car I'm going to turn my beat up old geo-prism into. I would like to do some kind of collage, but I'd have to use some kind of varnish, so the first rain wouldn't just wash away the whole thing. I like this idea, because I could just carry around two tubs--one of adhesive, and one of varnish--and paste up anything anytime. It'd be dense, fun to look at...

I'd better get going. I need to work on finding a way not to work.

We're living in this incredible flux. This book I read, some really dumbass science-fiction psychology focused book--Cyteen--was constantly talking about how we live in flux. How our minds are full of contradictions, and that causes us to "flux" which really just meant let our emotions control our actions. I don't think lack of thought automatically means we're acting based on our emotions. I'm not even sure the book meant this. I'm getting what the book was saying and what I'm trying to say all mixed up. It's not important about the book. It's one of those epic things that's far too long to forget. I wish it had been much shorter (like 400 pages shorter) and I'd have already forgotten all about it.

Anyway, I feel moody today. In flux. Maybe it's the moon. Maybe it's the stars. Probably it's just my weird sleep patterns that end up getting in the way of work and my schedule for the day.

I bought the new Freddy Fresh album. It's grand. Good-ole techno. Hard beats and catchy loops that go on for probably too long. It's his first american release, and I've got one of his imports (the one with the fatboy slim remix on it) and I think this is better.

I'm gonna go take a shower, and wash away the moody sleep-eye residue. Water falls different on my head now. It doesn't run down my hair. If there's anything I miss about my hair, it was the way the hot water sorta soked into it slowly, moving it's way down my back like a snake or something. Now the water is just there, instantly, and it slides off my head just as fast, heating my scalp for only so long.

I reccomend everyone go from having really long hair to shaving their head once in their life. It's like you're a new person, only you're still the same. And everyone comments about it, even people you don't talk to that often. (or, as was the case yesterday, people you never talk to--a waitress at a bar I go to two or three times a month with co-workers came up to me and made some comment.)

The response to the change so far has been very positive. I don't have any weird lumps on my head or anything. I look tougher now, I guess, and my ear-rings stick out more, which I think is good. I've always wanted to look more punk, without actually doing anything terribly darastic. OK, so I guess shaving my head is kinda darastic. Maybe. Really, I'm just affraid Yami is going to never speak to me now. (And, as predicted--not here--she hasn't really been writing me since she got back to caltech. So I wouldn't even notice a difference... not that I'm bitter. ;)

another thing that has changed is that now I have a car. It's alex's old car.

Laura played a dirty little trick on Jason by telling him that she had a new boyfriend (because when she got back, I was a new man, no hair, and a car!) anyway, he was amused when we showed up at his party together.

OK, it's been eleven days. A lot has changed. (I cut my hair.)

I don't know what finally pushed me over the edge. Maybe if I hadn't been working 13 or 14 hour days for the week before it wouldn't have happened. Laura was out of town visiting her parents in Texas. Now she's back, and things are finally settling down after a nice four day weekend. Work is far less stressful.

The site I was working on is live, and has several thousand signups already. (duh.) We just didn't get the project until a week before it was due, so that was the issue, really. That, and poor project management. (we were still getting changes from the client even as the site went live, so development was all fucked up.)

In case I haven't already said this, Final Fantasy X kicks all kinds of ass. The book I'm reading is really good right now too. (yes, still the same one.)

I don't know, maybe it's because I was up till 4 AM playing FFX, but I feel like I'm swimming today. Everything is slow and water-like. Also, when I'm sitting still it seems like I'm still moving.

I had this image as I was walking into work of air completely surrounding me, drowning me.

Any minute now I'm leaving to drive Laura to the airport. She's going to Texas for a week to visit her parents. I'm working on this amazingly retarded website for virgin atlantic. But it's all about discounted fairs to london, supposedly $200! I'm tempted, actually. None of that Texas crap for me. ;)

I got my rollerblade cyotes today! (got 'em on ebay for $60)

today is a dust mop afternoon
my delicious morals are degrading by design
my hair is standing on end and inside out
my stomach is turning summersaults
from too little water, and too much sugar

I've been reading about fucking hearts and babies born on the internet.

My desert-island, all-time, top-five most memorable breakups a la Nick Hornby, in chronological order:

1. Kaia
2. Emily Mohowald
3. Megan Opp
4. Kate Christensen
5. Annie Baril

I don't know whether Kaia or Emily Mohowald deserve to be on the list. I don't really even know if that's how you spell Kaia's name. It's pronounced like kayak but without the last k, and with an 'a' at the end. Anyway, she was the first person I'd ever slept with, and there's a nice funny story to go along with it--one that I'll spare you, for now. I spent months afterward hoping to see her downtown. Run into her at a show, or a coffee shop. When I finally did, she ignored me, and pretended she didn't know who I was. Hell, maybe she didn't know who I was. We were drunk and stoned. The lights were off...

Emily I broke up with. Actually, that goes for at least three, maybe four out of the five above. I don't know, I guess I regret the most the relationships I know I could have held on to. With emily, it was a lot like Hornby's second relationship. I just wanted to feel her breasts. Only, with her, I got to. We spent this totally memorable day at home, "sick" from school, at her house, and I remember taking a bath with her, then making out for hours on her futon. I told myself I was in love with this other girl, a girl I knew better from my school, and one who I considered more up to par in the intelligence department. Truth is, I didn't know Emily at all. She could have been einstein for all I knew. I also talk about how she told me after our day home from school together that I was the first person she'd ever fucked around with. And I didn't want to be her first. I was scared to death of taking her verginity, and I knew she wanted me to.

There are a couple of people who didn't make the list who probably should have. Lia, and probably Heidi. Strangely, they're both of them girls I now despise. OK, I don't despise Heidi. I don't want to talk about her, or to her, or around her. Maybe it's too soon. She was only a year ago. Lia I don't even want to think about, I still see her occasionally around town, and she always walks by with her nose pointed in the air like she's obviously far too good to talk to me. Heh.

I've started reading High Fidelity to Laura. She'd never heard of it, never seen the movie. It's so good, every other paragraph or so makes me tingle.

I've also been reading my old journal far too often recently. The document (which I've relatively recently converted to a largish 350k text file) is really fascinating. I wish I'd written in it more often at times, and yet there is so much! Every third or fourth entry reminds me of some forgotten moment, some element of my past so powerful, so crystal, that bringing it to mind causes all kinds of emotional knee jerks.