I've been meaning to start posting pictures. I have this nice digital camera, and I do use it... on occasion.



So I snapped this low contrast image of my scrotum in the hopes that it will help you get to know me better.

Why does fifteen minutes reading blogs seem like at least an hour? Yesterday was perhaps the longest seeming day at work for me, ever. I remember thinking at one point, it had to be time to go, and I was evne mentally getting ready, and I looked at the clock and it was only 2:30. I don't suppose it helps that with my recent OS upgrade to 10.1.2 there is no option to choose between 12 hour time, and 24 hour time. This is true even on my ibook, where I don't have the problem that I'm stuck in 24 hour time. (for some reason, I look at 14:38 and it looks much later than 2:30, ya know?)

I'm going home to play some Final Fantasy X.

I have discovered the plan to have a blogcon in August in Las Vegas... It's absolutely crazy.

I feel not at all a part of any sort of blog community. at least, not yet. The weird thing is that I kinda want to feel that way. It's like a nagging social itch. People I want to meet, or email, or feel close to...

It's rather strange, actually, because what I really used to crave was online colaboration. I remember doing various online projects with people, usually people I knew, but didn't hang out with that much, or see that often.

I wonder how many blogs I can find from minneapolis or minnesota.

I have done very little at work lately asside from test out the new build of Mozilla, which kicks ass. There are three reasons I think it's great. First, you can now use tabs to keep track of your open sessions (instead of windows). I'd change a couple of things abou this (for instance, you can't right click on a tab and move it to a new window...) and I'd also like to be able to have a nice list of open tabs _and_ windows somewhere. Right now it's just keeping track of windows under the "tasks" menu.

Second reason it's great: You can dissable javascript popups. It must be dissabling "onload" popups, because javascript open new window scripts seem to work fine. Porn will never be so innocuous.

Finally, the last reason Mozilla is great is that you can now right click on banner ads and "Block images from this server". Banner ads begone! I just feel kinda weird about it, because I really want to support some sites, by viewing their ads, or whatever it takes. So I hope I don't accidentally block servers that also happen to serve ads to sites I like. (oh well if I do. ;)

There are some other things I don't like so much about it (my mouse scroll-wheel doesn't work with frames), but the typical complaints, (slow load times, bad rendering) seem like they've pretty much been taken care of. I did have it crash on me once in about 8 hours of use. Probably about as often as IE crashes... I can't wait till there are hundreds of skins too!

*sigh*

sex post will have to wait. I have no time for anything really, and I've put off doing a little update like this because I wanted to sit and immerse myself in sex-tension-esque-apades for awhile. (How's that for a word that'll never catch on?)

I finished Cyteen, by CJ Cheryth last night, and my official opinion is that it sucked ass. If someone reading this loved the book, I'd really like to know why. It won the hugo, so a bunch of people must have, but I really just thought it was far too long, far too drawn out, and far too stupid for the length. I could maybe see if it had been really easy to read, really compelling, but I never felt that way about it, with the possible exception of the first twenty pages.

I'm moving on to a non-sci-fi book... probably the first I've read in at least a year. (fictional, that is.) It's called "A Heartbreaking work of staggering genius." or perhaps, "a staggering work of heartbreaking genius." something like that. you get the idea. I'm probably not even getting the words right.

I'm going home now. work sucked, but I did very little but install Mozilla on my mac. It's beautiful, by the way--mozilla is. really breaks new grounds. Tabs were a stroke of genius, and the fact that I can dissable pop-ups is enough to make me install it on my box when I get home. Blogger doesn't really look that great in it though...

I think it's time for a good sex post. I don't know if I've even had a sex post before, much less a "good" sex post, which probably just implies "dirty" sex post, Awe, screw it. I'm too tired.

well, it's new year's eve. parties are like assholes.

I want to go and "kiss the girls".

Other than google's nice little logo-festivity, I wonder what other parts of the web change for new year's. I'd be willing to bet not many. I like the fact that google changes appearances on the holidays. It reminds you that it's there underneath everything, working full time, indexing it's little ass off.

I paged through their job openings today. Nothing I qualify for. Looks like they're pretty attached to their diplomas over there. I suppose I should finish that off someday. I'm hoping the new benefits (which actually include tuition reimbercement) will help out with that...

oh yeah, remember that raise I was getting? not anymore. I'm getting a fraction of it. (It's still a raise, though any enthusiasm I'd felt for it is now obliterated by the fact that I'm not getting nearly as much.)

yeah, I'm cranky.

every year before christmas, I think to myself, I'll buy some christmas lights for my room as soon as christmas is over, because they're always on sale then!, and every year, when christmas is over, I'm sick of christmas lights.

morning is obnoxious.

blogger has been down and up and hacked and back... I changed my pw, even though I use blogspot. It's interesting to note which sites think something happening to blogger is newsworthy. (ok, I could only find one, and admitedly, it was before I made this post!)

I just discovered blogdex. It's fascinating. Many of the currently "most popular" are things I've seen before, but some not. A simmilar discoverty to The Internet Archive, which has a cheezy name for their coolest feature (The WayBackMachine) which allows you to view webpages as they once were... There is so much there to digest! (but I've found it's often busy.)

This is something I've noticed lately. It used to be that there was always too much science fiction to read. Far too much to get through. Now I still feel that way, (I can think of three or four books scratching holes in the back of my brain--where the 'unread list' hides) but there is a new list too, a "to read/view online" list, and it's been growing steadily as I blog more often. Partly, this list was always there... I mean, there are a hundred thousand script sites, and tutorials that I want to get to, and I have a list of regular news sources that I get too far less regularly than I'd like... but the list has grown... or rather, there are new subsets or something. the "from blogging" category is threatening to take over. I've started to read blogs before bedtime. (a period normally notable for my lack of coherance as I stumble from the livingroom couch to my bed, fumbling at the power button on my PS2 in between.)

Maybe I've just been hungry for a new passion and I'm hoping this will satiate some of that desire. I don't know. I do know I haven't been writing as much, and Laura blames my recent gaming adiction on the fact that work has been stressful. I think she's partly right, but partly I've been bored. I need passion! I need something to get fired up about. Blogging has nothing to do with it, but maybe reading blogs does... maybe not. But maybe, just maybe, blogging will get me interested in the internet again. There was this article on slashdot linking a relatively dumb apnews story about the commericalization of the internet, and just how much of it is owned by corperations, (and fewer corporations than in past years). Strangely, this article just made me thankful for the server space I have, knowing that even though hardly anyone reads it, it's still there... that's the difference between the internet and, say... TV... when corporations took over TV, they pushed out the little guys. with the internet, (sure some toes get squashed) but for the most part the little guys can still be there! The actual article does cite some pretty large toe-squashings though.

how do you find time to blog? I never seem to. I have to snatch it from the edges of my day, fitting it in the cracks unevenly, like poorly matched puzzle pieces.

do you listen to the songs stuck in your head? Hum along? Or do you try and get rid of them, as I do. Sometimes listening to them works, sometimes you have to listen to another annoying song.

I was going to write some stupid little blurb about introspection, and how often I feel like I'm just staring off into space at parties, wondering what I look like to other people, but I decided that's stupid. (not the staring off into space, or even the wondering what other people think of me, but the little blurb about introspection.) Except now that I've mentioned it, the blurb is probably over, and I've done it, stupid or not.

I could spout on about Final Fantasy X. That's what's kept me from sleep all night. It's actualy going to be nine thirty in the AM any minute now, and I haven't slept since about 11:00AM yesterday. Well, I did nod off for about an hour durring this one particularly puzzling part in a temple where I was suppose to move these stones around and open the door... (but the camera angle didn't make it obvious there was a whole staircase I could use... and I didn't figure it out until I made a trip to gamefaqs, and read ahead a bit in one of their walkthroughs.

Dynasty Warriors 3 had almost taken Grand Theft Auto 3's place as my current favorite game. But I have to admit FFX is amazing from an aesthetic standpoint. It's simply beautiful.

I have only one christmas present left to purchase for my family gifts to be complete. I should also try and get something for Laura before tuesday, and if I were really on the ball, I'd have something for a couple of other friends as well. I was thinking about getting her a palm pilot (she has mentioned interest in that area), but that's what I got for my girlfriend last year at christmas, and I think there's something about that situation that's just wrong...

my entire life in blog. I've never wanted fame. Maybe a recognition from peers I admire. An "oh, I know who THAT guy is!" every once in awhile might be cool, but otherwise, who cares who knows you?

I've been cultivating the concept that there are two states of self awareness. (with infinite shades between, of course) The first is an inner understanding of the workings. The details, knowing why you do things, and how you make the decisions you make. The second state is merely being aware of the things as they happen. Suprising yourself at times, living life more fully perhaps, or at least more passionately. Maybe I'm just re-inventing the extrovert/introvert dichotomy, but I don't think so because it seems like a person can be an entirely introverted person and still life life for the experience, and care nothing for the why.

This is of course related to blogging. I ask myself repeatedly why I blog. In fact, I probably ask myself that far more often than I actually do it! I ask the same question of everything I do... and I usually have good answers for myself. (now, as to whether I'm rationalizing, or actually discovering those answers, I'm not sure even I can know.)

At the same time, I've been loosing that sense of wonder when I ask. More often as of late, the answer is "who cares?". Perhaps the biggest why question recently has been why do I play video games. I'll fully acknowledge that I have an addiction. It's pretty severe even. I've skipped work to play. Sometimes, the why question is entirely absent. I don't even care. I just want to play this game, or go see this movie, or go have sex, or go do THAT.

I think my poetry is somehow deeply tied to the root of the why question. I used to think I was manic depressive, and I'd only really write when I was at the low and high ends. The best stuff was when I was manic, and the worst when I was depressed. But there were "sane" stretches in between where I wouldn't really do anything at all, and I wondered if that's what it was suppose to feel like... just living. Not really doing anything special or particular. I feel that way more and more. Just eeking out an existence. The worst part is that it's really not disturbing. In fact, I feel no remorse, or I'd change things. If I really wanted to be a famous writer (as I secretly wish everytime I see the clock at 11:11), I'd just fucking write. I wouldn't play video games, and I wouldn't juggle three times a week.

Juggling is very much on the "who cares" end of the spectrum, I think.

I wonder if you can read someone's blog, and make a judgement about where on the scale they fall. I wonder if this even makes sense to anyone but me.

Comments should be working in the next fifteen minutes or so. Tell me what you think?

Today was decent.. involved. a good day. a meaningful day. I said goodbye to those aforementioned co-workers, and we all went out for lunch and drinks. Drinks evolved into drunken discussions, which are sometimes (seldom, I've found, but were today) the best kind of discussions, because they are open and uninhibited.

I also found out I've got a raise. This from our new boss... who did not attend the goodbye party. This spoke much about her, I think, and, at least for now, I've a newfound respect. Perhaps, she was not invited.

This was mentioned on blogger (itself!) but I'll reproduce the link because I found it fascinating. Keep Trying is a blog seemingly devoted to blogging about blogging. Meta blogging? It's a popular discussion topic. Someone mentioned it's really something only newbie bloggers do, but I'm not so sure. If you don't keep examining yourself, how do you know who you are? Do those who no longer blog about blogging no longer realize they are blogging? Is it merely something they "do" as habbit, as ritual, as instinct? (Yes, instinct can be learned.)

I suddenly had an epiphany... I can host my comments script on livingtech.net, and still keep my blog on blogspot. I don't know why this didn't occur to me before. I'm probably just an idiot.

We'll see if I can get that done tonight, but I'm still drunk. Thousands of open source programmers can't be wrong though, and I'll probably do a better job while I'm drunk.

I've decided to make a commitment to longer and more meaningful posts. Less crap, less random jibberish, innane observation, etc... You may or may not have noticed, but unfortunately, so far at least, this has meant fewer posts as well.

At the moment, I'm sitting at work, watching two of my former co-workers pack up and leave the building. They were both above me, the president and creative director (of the company before the merger), and now they're leaving because that's what everyone here would do, given a choice. I really have no choice. My choice is this: how much money should I borrow to buy a car so I can get to work every day after it moves? I'm thinking two or three grand at most. I have a list of things I'd like in a car, but unfortunately, I can't really afford to adhere to it. In fact, it yet remains to be seen whether I'll be able to afford anything.

You might have thought, erroniously, that my lack of regular updates would mean I've been busy trying to move the blog somewhere else. No. I have made no progress. My life is lack of progress, sharply contrasted by my existence in video games, which is only measured by progress. Perhaps this lack of ready objectives in reality is what causes me to believe that I am more likely failing at it.

I like that: failing reality.

Reality Upstarts, a sasquach band of trumpeting rhino-riders. No random here!

There is some kind of link between creativity and sleep deprivation. This much seems painfully obvious. Synapses jump faster, or more eratically, or something. At the same time, other cognitive functions suffer... I never quite know whether I'm doing a good job, or whether it merely seems like I am. Is this RuPaul weblog really as interesting as I think it is? Or am I just terribly woefully tired?

Naked is fun. Unfortunately, when you're in a relationship, I think there is this tendency for nakedness to get routine and, well, not boring, but just not as interesting anymore either. I wonder why this is. My room mate and I were speculating about the instinct for after-sex-talk. If all we (as males of the species) were interested in was progenation, then we'd probably never stick around for the after-sex-talk. Slam-bam-thank-you-mam... yet, it had to have been somehow advantageous for the man to get to know the woman, find out everything about her... from her eating habbits to her favorite hangouts just about any other nearly-useless detail we can wring from her.

I think that instinct may be a bit too strong in me. I've always found the first few weeks of the relationship to be the most intense.

Don't get me wrong, I think there's plenty to be said about stability and commitment. I just want very little to do with them.

observations from my bed:

light is often yellow, especially when filtered through a lampshade which is light brown, and probably also especially when it's from a lightbulb.

my ceiling is speckled.

chaos needs no prompting.

doors are particularly useless when one doesn't care if one's roommates can see one naked. however, doors have the suprise ability to function as things to hang other things from. This is espeically easy to facilitate when one owns a door-hanger-thingy, which hooks over the door, and offers many hooks from which to hang other things.

I wish my wardrobe had a desaturate feature.

keys are an interesting phenomenon of modern culture. what is the importance of keys, and what does it say about a person who never looses their keys verses a person who frequently finds himself without them? I am of the former persuasion, (I don't remember ever loosing my keys,) and I wonder if as such a person, I am missing out on exciting adventures I would otherwise be enjoying if I lost them more often.

water is heavy.

the space shuttle can't launch in rain. This is because the special heat-resistent tiles are somehow not water resistant. (or perhaps--here comes the observation part, I thought of this myself--perhaps at the speeds the space shuttle achieves in it's short flight out of earth's orbit the raindrops are like tiny bullets. I wonder what the speed of a bullet is compared to the speed of the space shuttle. I also wonder what is the speed of your average falling raindrop.

last observation: there are many types of hinge. hinges are a crutial part of modern society. without hinges we are lost (or unhinged). open and close, all day long, only here and there a tiny hinge protest... fixed quickly with WD40. all hail our mighty friend the hinge.

blogs are a trap for the self-obsessed.

Not only that, but I think they foster a self-obsession. It's easy to get into reading blogs, (they're the "real TV" of the internet). And of course anything you read gets internalized to some degree, and then you start to think like a blogger, which then causes you to want a blog... and become self-obsessed.

Look at me! I'm a blogger! W00T!

um, fortunately, I didn't need to start reading blogs to have this sad self-obsession. Here's my favorite poem, (by Frank O'Hara)

=======================

AUTOBIOGRAPHIA LITERARIA

When I was a child
I played by myself in a
corner of the schoolyard
all alone.

I hated dolls and I
hated games, animals were
not friendly and birds
flew away.

If anyone was looking
for me I hid behind a
tree and cried out "I am
an orphan."

And here I am, the
center of all beauty!
writing these poems!
Imagine!

=====================

I think this proves my point.